


That Voice Again

by sidewinder



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Community: slashthedrabble, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-06
Updated: 2016-05-06
Packaged: 2018-06-06 15:43:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6759976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidewinder/pseuds/sidewinder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>I can't help but listen/But I don't want to hear...</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Voice Again

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Slash The Drabble community challenge #397: Transient. Not at all a songfic, but I did have Peter Gabriel's "That Voice Again" in my head as I was working on this short piece.

The fear always struck John in the middle of the night—fleeting, transient, but enough to keep him awake when he should be enjoying much-needed rest.

It was a familiar, anxious voice in his head that wouldn’t be silenced, even as he knew he should feel secure and content in his lover’s arms. Fin slept on peacefully beside him, yet that voice would plague his thoughts, asking, wondering, taunting him.

_How long can this last?_

_How long before I manage to screw up this one up, like I did all the others?_

John could silence that voice, if it wasn’t speaking the truth. Four failed marriages, each one successively shorter and leaving behind a more bitter taste than the last. A long trail of lovers and girlfriends mapped out his history, most of them having left after some misstep or unforgivable sin on his part.

In times past he’d seemed almost determined to sabotage his relationships by giving in to a wandering eye and reckless nature, saying things before thinking…or saying them _after_ thinking too much, letting his mind sharpen his words into the deadliest weapon he could yield.

He knew what the shrinks would all say: that his own self-doubt and insecurities ran so deep, so ingrained that he found it easier to be cold or sarcastic, keeping others at arm’s length, than to believe he could be worth another’s true love and devotion.

They would probably be right.

_So what made Fin any different?_

_When will I end up ruining this relationship, too?_

Some nights these worries would pass quickly, soothed away simply by focusing on that beloved body beside him, knowing how Fin would dismiss away his concerns if he ever dared voice them. Other nights they hit so strong they sent him fleeing the warmth of Fin’s arms for the cold solitude of his living room sofa.

Fin never questioned him about those nights, although John might awake in the morning to find a blanket draped over him that hadn’t been there before. Or he would open his eyes and find Fin there beside him, having made his own spot on the sofa as comfortably as he could. On those mornings John felt especially foolish and guilty for letting his anxieties so get the better of him.

On this night, he found himself close to heading for that sofa once again, having awoken at some ungodly hour before dawn and unable to return to sleep. But as he made a move to slip away, the arm draped across his waist gripped him tighter.

“Where you goin’?” Fin asked.

“Restless,” John answered, half-truthfully. “Didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Too late.” Fin’s lips pressed against the nape of John’s neck while his hand slid over his chest. “Now we’re both up, so might as well do somethin’ about that, don’t you think?”

“I think you have all the best ideas, Fin.” And for now, Fin had the cure for all that haunted John’s heart and mind.

 


End file.
